terriblymisguided | (no subject)

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obi-wan

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If pressed, Klaus couldn't really say why he has been so resistant to learning true meditation. He does have his reasons, the biggest being that he does not want to be alone with his thoughts in such a way, but that's not a good enough reason. The spirits still haunt him at night, no matter what he does.

Mostly, he's just scared. Both of what will happen in his own head, and of failing miserably at the whole thing.

The more time he spends with Obi-Wan, the more intrigued he becomes with the idea. It obviously helps Obi-Wan, and that only becomes more clear after everything with Anakin regaining his memories. It's obviously a traumatic thing for Obi-Wan, and Klaus was worried for him the entire time he was out meditating in the woods. At first, Klaus had thought the idea was kind of crazy, but he didn't protest. Of course he didn't, because Obi-Wan knows himself.

When Obi-Wan came back, he seemed better. A lot better, actually. And then he had his body taken from him and replaced with an entirely new one, and he seemed okay with that, too. Klaus knows that it isn't that things don't bother Obi-Wan. It's that he knows how to handle these awful things when they come. He meditates on them, and always seems at peace afterward. Klaus wants to know if he might be able to achieve something similar, if he were go ahead and actually face his fears and try.

He thinks on it, but the decision is made for him after he wakes up screaming from another nightmare, struggling against ghostly hands around his throat. Vanya comes in and helps him calm down, and Klaus holds onto her so that he doesn't head straight for the stash of pills in his underwear drawer. He doesn't want to keep numbing himself forever, he realizes. He wants to learn how to handle it.

After his sister makes him have some breakfast, he kisses her head and leaves the house to head towards Obi-Wan's place, exhausted and trembling, but sure of himself. He wants to try. He has to try.

When he makes it to Obi-Wan's apartment, he knocks a few times before letting himself in with his key, unsurprised to find Obi-Wan sitting on his meditation cushions. It's that time of day, after all. He stays quiet, not wanting to interrupt, and goes to make himself some coffee. He'll need it for this conversation, and for whatever comes after.

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"I can handle struggle," Klaus assures him, nodding a bit as he looks at Obi-Wan with big, wet eyes. Obi-Wan is exactly the kind of teacher Klaus knows, because Obi-Wan will be patient and kind with him. He'll be the exact opposite of his father, who never understood Klaus. He never wanted to understand Klaus, had no interest in who he was as a person, and just wanted to mold him into an obedient little soldier.

Obi-Wan knows him better than anyone else ever had. He won't be unkind to Klaus, and most importantly, he'll never give up on him. He'll never see Klaus as a lost cause. That alone gives Klaus the confidence to try.

Klaus doesn't know how this will go, if he'll be able to get the hang of it or if it'll just be torture, but he has hope. That's what Obi-Wan can give him, on top of everything else. His eyes fill with tears and he leans forward to wrap his arms around Obi-Wan's neck, holding onto him tightly as he all but collapses into Obi-Wan's lap.

"Thank you," he breathes out, turning his head to bury his face in the curve of Obi-Wan's neck. "I'll do my best. I promise."

"All you have to do is try," Obi-Wan promises as he wraps his arms around Klaus in return. He can feel the tension in Klaus's body, the way his muscles tremble with exhaustion, and he's content to sit here just like this, to give Klaus space to relax if he can and even get some rest, despite the fact that he's only just had come coffee. When one is tired enough, he knows, the caffeine will make little difference.

"Is this something you're wanting to begin right away?" he asks after a few moments of quiet. "Or do you want to simply rest right now and we can talk about it a bit more, about how we'll begin?"

Obi-Wan is happy to tailor this to whatever Klaus wants. This experience will be his alone and it's important they do this in a way that's both sustainable and not terribly overwhelming or daunting.

"Very soon, but not right now," Klaus says after a moment of thought, pulling back to look at Obi-Wan. "I want to start when I'm in a better headspace. After some rest."

He bites his lip and fidgets a bit before reaching out to put his hand over Obi-Wan's, biting his lip before looking up to meet Obi's gaze. "Do you think that you could do your thing? It helps me sleep."

Klaus doesn't often ask Obi-Wan to use the Force to help calm him, because it isn't something that he ever wants to take advantage of. He doesn't want it to become something that he's dependent on, so he reserves it for special cases, like when he's panicking and can't seem to snap out of it. Or now, when he's so tired that he feels sick and his head is pounding.

"I just want to get some sleep," he gets out, breath hitching slightly. "And we can talk about it later this afternoon?"

Obi-Wan nods and leans in to press a kiss to Klaus's forehead. It's a brief touch, simple and sweet, and then he pulls back and gestures for Klaus to stretch out on the sofa. He could take him to bed, he knows, but he has a feeling Klaus is going to want to be where Obi-Wan is and Obi-Wan knows he won't be able to sleep, not now. With Klaus on the sofa, he can busy himself with other things in the apartment, with reading, perhaps with ordering some of his groceries online, as he's come to enjoy doing. Simply being in the same space will likely be enough of a comfort, too.

"Lie back," he says as he stands. "I'll be right back."

He does partway down the hall to the linen closet and retrieves a spare pillow, as well as a blanket. Then he returns to the sofa and plumps the pillow nicely, settling it under Klaus's head. The blanket he spreads over Klaus's body before he perches on the edge, sitting by Klaus's hip.

"Close your eyes," he murmurs, placing his palm to the centre of Klaus's chest. "Close your eyes and just breathe." Then he does the same, closing his eyes and letting his calm reach out into the Force, extending toward Klaus, focusing on surrounding him with warm, comforting light.

When Klaus spots Obi-Wan coming down the hall with a pillow and blanket, his heart feels like it's swelled so much that it threatens to crack. Obi-Wan is so good to him, so endlessly thoughtful, and Klaus feels so grateful just to be in his life, let alone to be loved by him.

It's a spectacular thing, being loved by Obi-Wan Kenobi. Klaus cherishes it every single day.

He smiles softly as Obi-Wan all but tucks him in, feeling warm and cared for and more relaxed by the moment. Then Obi-Wan puts his hand on Klaus's chest and he does as he's told, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. The first few times Obi-Wan did this, Klaus felt a flicker of nerves just at how vulnerable he felt, but that's gone now. He's never felt more safe in his life.

That feeling of safety only grows as calm, secure warmth floods through him, feeling like it's lighting up all the dark, shadowy parts within him and chasing away whatever may linger there. It's a beautiful feeling, and Klaus lets out a soft, grateful sound as he settles more deeply into the sofa.

"Thank you," he breathes out, opening his eyes only long enough to catch a glimpse of Obi-Wan's face before they fall shut again, and he finally drifts off into a deep, restful sleep.

When Klaus settles, Obi-Wan can feel it, the shift in his energy, and he ducks his head to press a kiss to his temple as he falls asleep. He stays there for a few moments longer, waiting until Klaus's breathing evens out, slow and steady, and only then does he rise and take both their mugs into the kitchen. When Klaus wakes, he'll make him a fresh cup of coffee, but for now he finishes his own tea, dumps Klaus's coffee into the sink before he washes them both.

Once he's finished in the kitchen, Obi-Wan goes down the hall and retrieves his current book from the bedroom before he returns to the living room. There's a chair next to the sofa, where he settles, and opens his book to his marked place.

Currently he's reading A Room of One's Own, recommended to him by the previously pink-haired young woman who works in the book shop he quite likes to frequent. He knows she thinks he's an odd one, having caught him speaking to Black Philip once, but she had also been more than happy to recommend a stack of books to him when he had asked for items that were culturally important to Earth's history.

He settles in to read, quietly turning pages, as peaceful as he'd felt earlier during meditation, with Klaus's quiet, even breathing as steadying as anything.

When Klaus wakes up a few hours later, he feels far more rested than he had that morning. His sleep was deep and peaceful, most likely thanks in part to what Obi-Wan had done for him. Or perhaps simply due to his presence alone.

Klaus's eyes flutter open and he turns to see Obi-Wan sitting in the chair next to the sofa, curled up with a book. It's such a comforting sight, one that makes something warm curl up and settle happily in Klaus's chest. He has never known such safety.

"How long was I out?" Klaus asks, rubbing his eyes as he pulls himself into a sitting position. The sun spilling in through the windows is bright and and high, so it can't be too late in the day. "I feel a lot better."

"A few hours," Obi-Wan answers as he marks his place in his book and sets it aside, studying Klaus. He looks better, the dark circles under his eyes faded, his skin brighter. "Do you want another cup of coffee? I can make one for you now that you're properly awake."

He would have woken Klaus in another hour or so if he hadn't woken on his own, not wanting him to sleep all day and completely change his sleep schedule by accident. But Klaus is awake now.

That Klaus had come here to sleep doesn't surprise Obi-Wan. They've been together long enough that he thinks they both have a relatively good idea of what they mean to one another, but it will never stop pleasing him that Klaus feels that kind of trust for him.

"Oh, wow." Klaus chuckles a little as he rubs at his eyes, surprised that he slept so soundly for so long again. Then again, he probably shouldn't be. He always sleeps better with Obi-Wan around, even without Obi-Wan calming him down like he did.

He hopes that Obi-Wan didn't just sit here and keep watch over him, but he'd be lying if he said he wouldn't be very touched if that were the case.

"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks." He watches Obi-Wan walk into the kitchen and then smiles to himself, feeling so cared for. Never in his life has he felt so secure.

"And then we can talk about how to get started," Klaus calls out, because he doesn't want to give himself a chance to back out now that he's feeling better in this moment. It's still something that he needs to do. He wants to put in the work, even if it's hard.

"Well, of course," Obi-Wan calls back, a smile in his voice as he measures and grinds the coffee beans, then begins to boil the water for a proper pour over. He may not drink coffee as often as most, but he had taken the time to learn how to make a proper cup, mostly for Klaus's sake.

"Now that you've said you're interested, I'm hardly going to let it go again," he says as he comes to the kitchen door while the kettle boils, leaning against the doorframe and smiling at Klaus. "You know how persistent I can be."

And of course he's teasing to an extent. He would never pressure Klaus, he would never tell him he had to do something, but now that he's expressed this interest, Obi-Wan knows he may need a bit of a nudge in order to move forward with it. And he'll be happy to provide not only guidance, but that possibly needed nudge, too.

The comment makes Klaus laugh, shaking his head with fond amusement as he stares over at Obi-Wan. He knows that Obi would never force him, but there is a difference between that and needed encouragement. He knows that he can trust Obi-Wan never to cross that line.

"Like a dog with a bone," he volleys back, stretching his arms up over his head before getting up to go relieve himself. As he's washing his hands, he realizes only now how awful he'd looked, how worn down and hollow. He knows that it isn't just the few hours sleep that helped him, but finally making the decision to do something necessary. Maybe he's a little proud of himself, even if he is scared.

As he returns to the living room, he pulls his hair back into a messy bun and finds Obi-Wan there to greet him with a rich cup of coffee. Klaus takes it with a grateful hum, leaning in to kiss Obi on the cheek before settling cross-legged onto the sofa once more.

"So, do I call you master for real now?" Klaus teases, wiggling his eyebrows playfully over the rim of his mug as he takes a careful sip.

"Please, no," Obi-Wan answers, laughing. "At least not in this context."

When he and Anakin had decided to do away with such titles, he had never imagined he would have to tell anyone else to refrain from using it as well, but he's since told Ben and now Klaus, too. While he suspects Klaus is mostly joking, he doesn't want to end up in that habit while meditating. Other places, however, he doesn't mind quite so much.

He sinks down beside Klaus and says, "I'll suggest you get yourself a notebook of some kind. A journal. The act of journaling is often meditative itself and I find many people like it better as a first step in order to ease themselves into the entire process. If you simply allow yourself to write, stream of consciousness style, it helps to centre your mind in the same way breathing and meditation can. Though that will be something you'll do on your own, not with me."

He smiles cheekily. "Think of it as homework."

"Ah, so professor then," Klaus replies with his own cheeky smile, before his expression settles into something a little more thoughtful. "That makes sense. I can do that. I used to scribble down my thoughts a lot when I was younger. A notebook will probably work a lot better than my bedroom walls."

He takes another sip of his coffee and bites his lip as he thinks, nodding a bit. Writing things down won't help the physical terror of the spirits coming for him, but he can write down how he feels after. It couldn't hurt.

"Maybe we can go get something to eat, and stop by the stationary store after," Klaus says hopefully, looking at Obi-Wan over the rim of his mug. "So, writing things down. What comes next?"

"Well, depending on whether or not you think you're ready, we could try a short session after we return," Obi-Wan suggests. "We can discuss mantras beforehand, as many people find them useful when it comes to bringing their minds to stillness, especially at first. It's not something you need to say aloud or even tell me what it is, just something calming that you can focus on."

He takes Klaus's free hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

"And I'll talk you through it at first," he continues. "For as many sessions as you feel you need and if you would rather I be still, I can do that, too. I will be here for whatever questions you have even in the middle of it all. The best thing about meditation is that it can be a deeply personal experience and what works for one may not work for another. We'll find what works best for you and tailor the teaching to that."

As Obi-Wan speaks, Klaus hangs on his every word, feeling himself relax more and more as Obi-Wan reassures him so calmly. He cares so much for Klaus, and so sincerely wants to help him, and Klaus is so grateful to him. He is so in love, settled like he's never been before, and knowing Obi-Wan will be there every step of the way is why he knows that he can give this a try.

"You are just-- I can't believe you," Klaus says softly, shaking his head a little as he moves closer and reaches up to cup Obi-Wan's face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over Obi's cheekbones as he stares at his face with a helplessly fond expression. "I have never felt as safe as I do when I'm with you. And that's how I know that I can do this. Because I have you."

He leans in to press a kiss to Obi-Wan's mouth and then rests their foreheads together, breathing in deeply through his nose and nodding a little bit. "I want to do this. I want to get started right away."

While meditation has been a part of Obi-Wan's life for as long as he can remember, he knows this request means a lot for Klaus. He understands it's not always an easy thing for someone to approach, being still with themselves, trying to find that place where they can be at peace with their emotions and their state, and he also knows how much trust Klaus is extending to him in this.

He reaches up and curls his hands around Klaus's wrists, leaning in to meet the kiss with a smile.

"I know you can do it because you're much more capable than you seem to give yourself credit for," he answers, then presses a kiss to Klaus's nose. "Let's go then, shall we? We'll get you a few notebooks, one you can keep here, one at home. On the way, I can tell you the mantras in the Jedi texts if you'd like. You don't have to use any of them, but you may find something worthwhile."

When Obi-Wan kisses his nose, Klaus wrinkles it fondly and then nods as he pulls away, letting go of Obi-Wan to tuck a few loose curls behind his ears. Now that he's said it out loud and Obi-Wan has given him such reassurances, Klaus is almost eager to start.

"Yes, that sounds good." It doesn't even occur to Klaus to be nervous about leaving a notebook full of his most intimate thoughts and fears at Obi-Wan's place, because he knows that Obi-Wan would not violate his privacy by reading it. At the same time, Klaus isn't even so sure he would mind Obi-Wan seeing it, at this point. Obi-Wan already knows him more than anyone else ever has.

After pulling on his shoes, Klaus sits up and picks up his phone and wallet from the coffee table to tuck them into his jeans. "Do you know a place, or should I look one up?"

At times, Obi-Wan feels as if he knows every book shop in the city, and he smiles at Klaus and says, "I think I know a place."

Not all of the shops sell stationary, but the one he's thinking of, Graymark Books on Park Avenue, has all kinds of wonderful things. There's even a display case beneath the cash register that houses weapons of a fascinating and beautiful array. The store, of course, makes him think of Magnus with a brief pang of grief, as he had been the previous owner, but Obi-Wan understands his friend has gone onto whatever life requires of him next. He misses him, but he can also let him go.

"Magnus owned it," he tells Klaus as they head for the elevator. "He said it used to belong to another friend of his, a man named Luke, and he collected all kinds of things. Weapons, books, pens, notebooks, anything beautiful and often old. It's quite a lovely store and I do hope it passes into the hands of a new owner who appreciates it as much as Magnus and Luke both clearly did."

"Of course you do," Klaus says with a fond shake of his head, because Obi-Wan is such a bookworm. It's completely unsurprising that he knows exactly where to go. When Obi-Wan mentions Magnus, Klaus resists the urge to reach out and grab Obi-Wan. It's terrifying to know that anyone in this city could just disappear at any moment, but then again, that's life, isn't it? Caring about anyone comes with a certain level of risk. That's why Klaus tried so hard to avoid it for so long.

"I hope so, too," Klaus tells him, reaching out to put his hand on Obi-Wan's back. He had only met Magnus a few times, but he knows that Obi-Wan considered him a friend. "I'm definitely going to miss his parties."

Once they're outside, Klaus takes a deep breath of fresh air and slides his sunglasses onto his face before reaching down to take Obi-Wan's hand, because he still hasn't gotten over the novelty of walking down the street holding hands with someone that he cares about.

"Lead the way, nerd," he says, with love.

The walk is short, but lovely, especially as they can cut through the park, and Obi-Wan tells Klaus about the store as they go. He details the weapons in the cabinet below the register, the crossbow, which is old and looks as if it might break upon use, although Magnus had assured him that was not the case. And something called a kindjal, which Obi-Wan had never heard of before Magnus described it to him.

His friend had been quite adept with it, as it turns out, and Obi-Wan had listened, fascinated, to the weapon's history.

"Here we are," he says with a smile as they approach the shop. The front windows are large, letting in plenty of sunlight, and a bell tinkles cheerfully overhead when Obi-Wan pushes open the door.

As always, Klaus hangs on Obi-Wan's every word because he makes everything sound interesting, no matter the topic. They enter the bookshop and Klaus looks around, taking it all in. It certainly isn't a typical bookstore, and Klaus finds his interest piqued. Behind the counter is a very exhausted looking young man, cute in a twinky sort of way, but he looks almost gaunt as he straightens the curve of his spine, lifting a hand in greeting as Obi-Wan approaches.

"Obi-Wan, hey. It's been awhile," the kid says, and then gives Klaus a nod before leaning over to rest his elbows on the counter again, like he can barely keep himself up. Klaus wonders if maybe it's drugs, but he doesn't think so. Something else is weighing on him. "Did you need anything specific?"

"Empty notebooks," Klaus tells him, miming writing in the air. "For all my deepest, darkest thoughts."

"Hello, Elio," Obi-Wan answers, smiling at the young man gently. The sense of loss is heavy in Graymark Books and although Obi-Wan doesn't know whether Elio and Magnus knew one another, whether it's that loss or another, he can still tell the young man has lost someone rather recently. Perhaps the work is distracting to him and that's why he's here.

Obi-Wan nods at Klaus's words and tells Elio, "Klaus is about to embark on a journey toward learning how to meditate. In the past I've found that keeping a journal can sometimes help people when they're new to the practice. I know where they're kept, though, you needn't worry yourself."

At this point, Obi-Wan knows where most things are kept in most of the book shops he's visited. And something about the way Elio is holding himself means Obi-Wan doesn't want to trouble him terribly much if he can help it.

"Yeah, go for it," the kid says, and Klaus notices the way that his fingers go towards a ring on a chain around his neck. It looks like a wedding ring, and it makes Klaus think of the dog tags hanging from his own neck. Perhaps that explains his sunken cheeks and dull eyes. "I'm sure you heard about Magnus. The store was left to me, and I'm not going to change anything. Just so you know."

Klaus turns to find the display of notebooks, looking over the covers before selecting two black leather bound journals with dark pink gilded pages. They call to him specifically, and he turns them around to show them to Obi-Wan.

"These are the ones," he says with a resolute nod. "Now I just need fancy pens and I'm all set."

"It's been left in the best possible hands," Obi-Wan answers, reaching across the counter briefly so that he can squeeze Elio's forearm. He gives a gentle smile as well and although he wouldn't presume to try and influence Elio's mood at all, wouldn't do such a thing without permission, he still reaches out with the Force, finding Elio's presence, offering it the warmth and the calm he's carrying with him.

It won't change Elio's mood, but it should, if nothing else, remind him of the good in the world.

Then he follows Klaus toward the notebooks, smiling when he sees the ones Klaus selects. They seem like the right ones somehow, they feel like Klaus when Obi-Wan looks at them, and then he touches his arm and leads him down another aisle to where he knows there's a collection of pens. Simple ballpoints as well as some nicer pens, which he shows Klaus with a wave of his hand.

"Take your pick, darling," he teases with a smile.

Klaus looks over at Obi-Wan talking to the kid, and he can't help but to smile at the reassurance Obi-Wan offers. In the beginning, Klaus had been a little surprised by his constant kindness, but not anymore. Now it just makes him smile.

"Oh, thank you, darling," Klaus replies, laughing happily before wiggling his fingers over the display and choosing a few colors to suit his moods, and a nicer black ink pen for general use. He takes his choices up to the counter and slaps Obi's hand before he can even make a move towards his wallet. "I'm getting this. It's for me."

Yes, Obi-Wan is going to teach him about meditation, but Klaus wants to do as much of this as he can himself. After paying for the notebooks and pens, Klaus gratefully takes the paper bag and says goodbye to the kid before moving towards the door.