terriblymisguided | (no subject)

Entry tags:

obi-wan

(no subject)

If pressed, Klaus couldn't really say why he has been so resistant to learning true meditation. He does have his reasons, the biggest being that he does not want to be alone with his thoughts in such a way, but that's not a good enough reason. The spirits still haunt him at night, no matter what he does.

Mostly, he's just scared. Both of what will happen in his own head, and of failing miserably at the whole thing.

The more time he spends with Obi-Wan, the more intrigued he becomes with the idea. It obviously helps Obi-Wan, and that only becomes more clear after everything with Anakin regaining his memories. It's obviously a traumatic thing for Obi-Wan, and Klaus was worried for him the entire time he was out meditating in the woods. At first, Klaus had thought the idea was kind of crazy, but he didn't protest. Of course he didn't, because Obi-Wan knows himself.

When Obi-Wan came back, he seemed better. A lot better, actually. And then he had his body taken from him and replaced with an entirely new one, and he seemed okay with that, too. Klaus knows that it isn't that things don't bother Obi-Wan. It's that he knows how to handle these awful things when they come. He meditates on them, and always seems at peace afterward. Klaus wants to know if he might be able to achieve something similar, if he were go ahead and actually face his fears and try.

He thinks on it, but the decision is made for him after he wakes up screaming from another nightmare, struggling against ghostly hands around his throat. Vanya comes in and helps him calm down, and Klaus holds onto her so that he doesn't head straight for the stash of pills in his underwear drawer. He doesn't want to keep numbing himself forever, he realizes. He wants to learn how to handle it.

After his sister makes him have some breakfast, he kisses her head and leaves the house to head towards Obi-Wan's place, exhausted and trembling, but sure of himself. He wants to try. He has to try.

When he makes it to Obi-Wan's apartment, he knocks a few times before letting himself in with his key, unsurprised to find Obi-Wan sitting on his meditation cushions. It's that time of day, after all. He stays quiet, not wanting to interrupt, and goes to make himself some coffee. He'll need it for this conversation, and for whatever comes after.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only | Expand All

There's a change in the sensations of the Force when Klaus arrives. Obi-Wan doesn't hear him knock, too deep within his meditative state, but he still knows Klaus is there, feels his arrival and the way everything in the Force just seems to shift to welcome him in. This space is Klaus's as much as it is Obi-Wan's and he smiles faintly in his state, then begins to gently bring himself out of it.

His breathing speeds up a little and his shoulders roll before he blinks his eyes open slowly.

"Hello there," he calls out as he stretches his arms overhead and then rises to his feet. Dressed in a pair of soft, comfortable sweatpants and a t-shirt, Obi-Wan hadn't been expecting Klaus, but it's always a pleasure when he shows up. It spreads warmth not only through him, but through the apartment, the entire Force. Walking barefoot into the kitchen, he leans against the doorframe and smiles.

He has to heat up water anyway, so Klaus takes down another mug and drops in one of Obi-Wan's preferred tea bags, and then stands there staring blankly as he waits for the kettle to whistle. It isn't until Obi-Wan speaks behind him that Klaus blinks and turns around, slumping back against the counter as he gives Obi-Wan a tired smile.

Klaus knows that he looks awful, with pale skin and dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. He just feels so exhausted, a tiredness that goes beyond yawning, and he looks at Obi-Wan for a long moment, unable to keep from comparing their appearances. Obi-Wan looks rested, warm and practically glowing. He looks like he's at peace, and Klaus wants to know what that feels like. He wants so badly to know what that feels like.

He isn't jealous of Obi-Wan, because of course he does not begrudge the man he loves doing well. He's glad that Obi-Wan has these skills to cope, and he hopes that Klaus might be able to learn them for himself, at least on some level.

"Hi," he breathes out eventually, startling a bit as the kettle whistles behind him. He turns to turn off the stove and pick it up, pouring some water into the French press, and then the rest of it into Obi-Wan's mug. "I made you some tea."

Klaus looks tired, but more than that, his presence in the Force feels tired and as Obi-Wan crosses over to stand by him near the counter, he presses his palm into the small of Klaus's back.

"Thank you," he says as he leans over and presses his lips to Klaus's cheek. "That was very thoughtful of you."

He's not here because he wanted to make tea for Obi-Wan. There is something else on his mind, something he wants to discuss, but Klaus is a man who comes to things in his own time and Obi-Wan respects that about him. When he's ready to bring it up, he will, and for now they can have tea and coffee together.

Just being here in Obi-Wan's presence makes Klaus feel better, and he can't help but to smile at the soft kiss to his cheek. He was such a fool to think he did not want this sort of security, but the more that time goes by and the more he reflects on his life, he isn't so sure that was the case anymore. Maybe he was just afraid, or he thought he didn't deserve it.

Something to meditate on, maybe.

Klaus reaches up to cup Obi-Wan's cheek, thumbing at his beard before leaning in for a soft kiss. He rests his forehead against Obi-Wan's for a long moment while their drinks steep, and then turns to pour himself a cup of coffee. He blows gently at the surface as he walks over to the sofa, kicking off his shoes on the way so he can climb up onto it and sit cross-legged on one side of it. He takes a careful sip and then looks up at Obi-Wan again, wondering how to even start this conversation.

"My nightmares are getting worse," he says after a long moment, and he assumes Obi-Wan will understand that when he says nightmares, he doesn't just mean dreams. He means all of it, the spirits and the visions coming for him. He thinks maybe it's because he's using less. Still drinking most days, but not nearly as much as he used to. He's getting sharper, is the thing. It's what he needs to do, what he should do, but the downsides are so severe. "I woke up with hands around my neck this morning."

When the tea is ready, Obi-Wan uses a spoon to fish out the bag and sets it aside to cool in the little dish beside his sink for this very purpose. Then he picks up his mug and goes with Klaus into the living room, settling in beside him. He turns his body so he's facing Klaus, his mug of tea held cupped in one hand as he waits for him to speak.

Something is on his mind and Obi-Wan allows him the time he needs to decide what he wants to say. He sips his tea, then listens, nodding slightly when Klaus says his nightmares are getting worse. The news isn't surprising really, he's been present when Klaus has had nightmares before, he's seen just how difficult they are, the toll they take on Klaus. That first night, he'd reached for his lightsaber without thought, worried someone had been hurting Klaus, someone in the room with them.

He's learned since then, but that doesn't meant he doesn't wish to help stop them any less.

"That sounds frightening," he says. "Even if it's something you've experienced before. You're not getting much sleep, are you?"

No one has ever really listened to Klaus like Obi-Wan does. He really listens, as if everything Klaus has to say is important, and sometimes he doesn't know what to do with that quiet, focused attention. He is so used to being brushed aside or talked over, never taken seriously, but Obi-Wan has never once treated him like that. Even when Klaus is rambling about nonsense, which he is prone to do, Obi-Wan listens.

"I'm not," Klaus confirms. He sleeps better here at Obi-Wan's, but there are nights when he can almost tell how bad it's going to be, so he decides to stay at home instead. He doesn't want to bother Obi-Wan night after night, even if he knows Obi-Wan would never see it that way.

"It's just so frustrating," he says after a long moment, brow furrowed as he looks down into his coffee cup. "I haven't been using very much, and that should be a good thing, right? My drug use was because of this, it's how it started. People have looked down on me for it for most of my life because of it, but it was always to try and stop this."

After taking another sip of his coffee, he sets the cup down on the table and then buries his face in his hands for a long moment, scrubbing them over his face before pulling them away and blowing out a breath. "But if I'm not doing drugs, I have to deal with this. And I'm just-- I'm so tired, Obi."

Obi-Wan is still of the mind that meditation will be able to help Klaus with all this, but it's something he needs to come to on his own. Pushing it upon him will only result in Klaus shying away further, which will make the entire process take longer still, and Obi-Wan doesn't want that. He doesn't want Klaus to feel obligated to try something just because Obi-Wan has suggested it and he doesn't want Klaus to resent the process because he feels like it's something he has to do.

"It is a good thing," Obi-Wan answers. "Your siblings are proud of you, as am I, but what matters most is how you're feeling about it."

Klaus is proud of himself, too, Obi-Wan can sense it. There are difficulties associated with using drugs less often, that much is clear, but rather than going and finding something to help the nightmares, he's here instead. He's talking about it, no matter how difficult it may be, and Obi-Wan smiles gently and touches his hand to Klaus's wrist, rubbing his thumb gently against his skin.

"I'm feeling tired," Klaus admits, smiling a bit ruefully as he looks down at Obi-Wan's hand on his skin. "But-- glad, too. That you're all proud of me. I'm proud of myself for not swallowing a handful of pills as soon as I woke up, but it's so hard, and I can't-- I can't go on like this."

He takes a deep breath and lets it out shakily, twisting a bit on the sofa so he can look at Obi-Wan's face. Obi's hand is still on his wrist, and Klaus turns his hand over so he can take Obi's hand in his own. His mouth opens and then closes again, and he bites his lip as he considers what to say. He should just be honest. Totally honest. That sort of sincerity is always hard for him, but Obi-Wan will listen to him. He'll understand.

"So, I think it's time that I try meditation," he finally says, tucking his hair behind one ear with his free hand as he forces himself to keep his chin up and hold Obi-Wan's gaze. "But I'm-- I'm afraid. I'm afraid it'll be like being trapped in that mausoleum again. Afraid that I'll fail and disappoint you."

Here is where Obi-Wan suspects all the Hargreeves siblings are very similar, fearing the rejection and constant disappointment they received from their sorry excuse for a father. While Obi-Wan has come to accept the Jedi Order had its own issues and that there are many ways in which they failed their students, at least as younglings and Padawans, they were cared for and loved. No one was ever punished for having difficulty with meditation, no one was locked away to try and force them to overcome their fears, and Obi-Wan shakes his head as he sets his tea down on the table.

"I understand," he says. "But I can assure you, there is nothing you can do that will disappoint me. Meditation isn't something you succeed or fail at, it's a practice, something you incorporate into your life, your routine. There are days when it will be difficult, no matter how long you've been doing it."

He smiles a little and lifts his free hand to Klaus's face, cupping his jaw. "There are days when it's difficult for me, even after having practiced my entire life. And I can promise you, you'll never be locked anywhere. You'll never be trapped. It isn't something to force and if it's difficult or it's too much, we pull back. Centre ourselves. Try again. I will never force you into anything that makes you feel trapped, Klaus."

It is a stark difference from his childhood, and the cruelty he faced at the hand of the one person who was supposed to care about him time and time again. It damaged him, and for a long time he felt like he was beyond repair, but that's changing now. Between Obi-Wan and his siblings, and his own desire to be better, he is changing.

"No, no, I know you wouldn't," Klaus gets out, feeling his eyes burn as Obi-Wan cups his cheek so tenderly. Sometimes he doesn't know what to do with all of this compassion, because it's something so new to him. It's something he so desperately needed as a child, but never received. But he has it now. "It's my own head that I'm afraid of, but I want to try."

He lifts his hand to rest it over Obi-Wan's on his cheek, feeling such gratitude for this man that for a moment all he can do is let out a shuddering breath. "I know that I can trust you. There is no one else that I would trust with this, Obi. Just you."

That trust is a great gift, one he means to never take for granted, and Obi-Wan nods with a deep sincerity. It means a lot to him, both that Klaus is willing to try and that Obi-Wan is the one he's going to trust with this task.

"I want you to understand that there will be times when you struggle," he says. "Especially as we begin. But there's nothing to be ashamed of in that. Like anything, it takes practice, and it will get easier with time. If you're willing to keep trying, I'm willing to keep trying with you, and I will never be disappointed or frustrated."

Obi-Wan had taught Anakin to meditate, after all. He thinks if he can maintain his composure during that, there are few other people he's capable of teaching given the right amount of time and the space in which to do so.

"I can handle struggle," Klaus assures him, nodding a bit as he looks at Obi-Wan with big, wet eyes. Obi-Wan is exactly the kind of teacher Klaus knows, because Obi-Wan will be patient and kind with him. He'll be the exact opposite of his father, who never understood Klaus. He never wanted to understand Klaus, had no interest in who he was as a person, and just wanted to mold him into an obedient little soldier.

Obi-Wan knows him better than anyone else ever had. He won't be unkind to Klaus, and most importantly, he'll never give up on him. He'll never see Klaus as a lost cause. That alone gives Klaus the confidence to try.

Klaus doesn't know how this will go, if he'll be able to get the hang of it or if it'll just be torture, but he has hope. That's what Obi-Wan can give him, on top of everything else. His eyes fill with tears and he leans forward to wrap his arms around Obi-Wan's neck, holding onto him tightly as he all but collapses into Obi-Wan's lap.

"Thank you," he breathes out, turning his head to bury his face in the curve of Obi-Wan's neck. "I'll do my best. I promise."

"All you have to do is try," Obi-Wan promises as he wraps his arms around Klaus in return. He can feel the tension in Klaus's body, the way his muscles tremble with exhaustion, and he's content to sit here just like this, to give Klaus space to relax if he can and even get some rest, despite the fact that he's only just had come coffee. When one is tired enough, he knows, the caffeine will make little difference.

"Is this something you're wanting to begin right away?" he asks after a few moments of quiet. "Or do you want to simply rest right now and we can talk about it a bit more, about how we'll begin?"

Obi-Wan is happy to tailor this to whatever Klaus wants. This experience will be his alone and it's important they do this in a way that's both sustainable and not terribly overwhelming or daunting.

"Very soon, but not right now," Klaus says after a moment of thought, pulling back to look at Obi-Wan. "I want to start when I'm in a better headspace. After some rest."

He bites his lip and fidgets a bit before reaching out to put his hand over Obi-Wan's, biting his lip before looking up to meet Obi's gaze. "Do you think that you could do your thing? It helps me sleep."

Klaus doesn't often ask Obi-Wan to use the Force to help calm him, because it isn't something that he ever wants to take advantage of. He doesn't want it to become something that he's dependent on, so he reserves it for special cases, like when he's panicking and can't seem to snap out of it. Or now, when he's so tired that he feels sick and his head is pounding.

"I just want to get some sleep," he gets out, breath hitching slightly. "And we can talk about it later this afternoon?"

Obi-Wan nods and leans in to press a kiss to Klaus's forehead. It's a brief touch, simple and sweet, and then he pulls back and gestures for Klaus to stretch out on the sofa. He could take him to bed, he knows, but he has a feeling Klaus is going to want to be where Obi-Wan is and Obi-Wan knows he won't be able to sleep, not now. With Klaus on the sofa, he can busy himself with other things in the apartment, with reading, perhaps with ordering some of his groceries online, as he's come to enjoy doing. Simply being in the same space will likely be enough of a comfort, too.

"Lie back," he says as he stands. "I'll be right back."

He does partway down the hall to the linen closet and retrieves a spare pillow, as well as a blanket. Then he returns to the sofa and plumps the pillow nicely, settling it under Klaus's head. The blanket he spreads over Klaus's body before he perches on the edge, sitting by Klaus's hip.

"Close your eyes," he murmurs, placing his palm to the centre of Klaus's chest. "Close your eyes and just breathe." Then he does the same, closing his eyes and letting his calm reach out into the Force, extending toward Klaus, focusing on surrounding him with warm, comforting light.

When Klaus spots Obi-Wan coming down the hall with a pillow and blanket, his heart feels like it's swelled so much that it threatens to crack. Obi-Wan is so good to him, so endlessly thoughtful, and Klaus feels so grateful just to be in his life, let alone to be loved by him.

It's a spectacular thing, being loved by Obi-Wan Kenobi. Klaus cherishes it every single day.

He smiles softly as Obi-Wan all but tucks him in, feeling warm and cared for and more relaxed by the moment. Then Obi-Wan puts his hand on Klaus's chest and he does as he's told, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. The first few times Obi-Wan did this, Klaus felt a flicker of nerves just at how vulnerable he felt, but that's gone now. He's never felt more safe in his life.

That feeling of safety only grows as calm, secure warmth floods through him, feeling like it's lighting up all the dark, shadowy parts within him and chasing away whatever may linger there. It's a beautiful feeling, and Klaus lets out a soft, grateful sound as he settles more deeply into the sofa.

"Thank you," he breathes out, opening his eyes only long enough to catch a glimpse of Obi-Wan's face before they fall shut again, and he finally drifts off into a deep, restful sleep.

When Klaus settles, Obi-Wan can feel it, the shift in his energy, and he ducks his head to press a kiss to his temple as he falls asleep. He stays there for a few moments longer, waiting until Klaus's breathing evens out, slow and steady, and only then does he rise and take both their mugs into the kitchen. When Klaus wakes, he'll make him a fresh cup of coffee, but for now he finishes his own tea, dumps Klaus's coffee into the sink before he washes them both.

Once he's finished in the kitchen, Obi-Wan goes down the hall and retrieves his current book from the bedroom before he returns to the living room. There's a chair next to the sofa, where he settles, and opens his book to his marked place.

Currently he's reading A Room of One's Own, recommended to him by the previously pink-haired young woman who works in the book shop he quite likes to frequent. He knows she thinks he's an odd one, having caught him speaking to Black Philip once, but she had also been more than happy to recommend a stack of books to him when he had asked for items that were culturally important to Earth's history.

He settles in to read, quietly turning pages, as peaceful as he'd felt earlier during meditation, with Klaus's quiet, even breathing as steadying as anything.

When Klaus wakes up a few hours later, he feels far more rested than he had that morning. His sleep was deep and peaceful, most likely thanks in part to what Obi-Wan had done for him. Or perhaps simply due to his presence alone.

Klaus's eyes flutter open and he turns to see Obi-Wan sitting in the chair next to the sofa, curled up with a book. It's such a comforting sight, one that makes something warm curl up and settle happily in Klaus's chest. He has never known such safety.

"How long was I out?" Klaus asks, rubbing his eyes as he pulls himself into a sitting position. The sun spilling in through the windows is bright and and high, so it can't be too late in the day. "I feel a lot better."

"A few hours," Obi-Wan answers as he marks his place in his book and sets it aside, studying Klaus. He looks better, the dark circles under his eyes faded, his skin brighter. "Do you want another cup of coffee? I can make one for you now that you're properly awake."

He would have woken Klaus in another hour or so if he hadn't woken on his own, not wanting him to sleep all day and completely change his sleep schedule by accident. But Klaus is awake now.

That Klaus had come here to sleep doesn't surprise Obi-Wan. They've been together long enough that he thinks they both have a relatively good idea of what they mean to one another, but it will never stop pleasing him that Klaus feels that kind of trust for him.

"Oh, wow." Klaus chuckles a little as he rubs at his eyes, surprised that he slept so soundly for so long again. Then again, he probably shouldn't be. He always sleeps better with Obi-Wan around, even without Obi-Wan calming him down like he did.

He hopes that Obi-Wan didn't just sit here and keep watch over him, but he'd be lying if he said he wouldn't be very touched if that were the case.

"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks." He watches Obi-Wan walk into the kitchen and then smiles to himself, feeling so cared for. Never in his life has he felt so secure.

"And then we can talk about how to get started," Klaus calls out, because he doesn't want to give himself a chance to back out now that he's feeling better in this moment. It's still something that he needs to do. He wants to put in the work, even if it's hard.

"Well, of course," Obi-Wan calls back, a smile in his voice as he measures and grinds the coffee beans, then begins to boil the water for a proper pour over. He may not drink coffee as often as most, but he had taken the time to learn how to make a proper cup, mostly for Klaus's sake.

"Now that you've said you're interested, I'm hardly going to let it go again," he says as he comes to the kitchen door while the kettle boils, leaning against the doorframe and smiling at Klaus. "You know how persistent I can be."

And of course he's teasing to an extent. He would never pressure Klaus, he would never tell him he had to do something, but now that he's expressed this interest, Obi-Wan knows he may need a bit of a nudge in order to move forward with it. And he'll be happy to provide not only guidance, but that possibly needed nudge, too.

The comment makes Klaus laugh, shaking his head with fond amusement as he stares over at Obi-Wan. He knows that Obi would never force him, but there is a difference between that and needed encouragement. He knows that he can trust Obi-Wan never to cross that line.

"Like a dog with a bone," he volleys back, stretching his arms up over his head before getting up to go relieve himself. As he's washing his hands, he realizes only now how awful he'd looked, how worn down and hollow. He knows that it isn't just the few hours sleep that helped him, but finally making the decision to do something necessary. Maybe he's a little proud of himself, even if he is scared.

As he returns to the living room, he pulls his hair back into a messy bun and finds Obi-Wan there to greet him with a rich cup of coffee. Klaus takes it with a grateful hum, leaning in to kiss Obi on the cheek before settling cross-legged onto the sofa once more.

"So, do I call you master for real now?" Klaus teases, wiggling his eyebrows playfully over the rim of his mug as he takes a careful sip.

"Please, no," Obi-Wan answers, laughing. "At least not in this context."

When he and Anakin had decided to do away with such titles, he had never imagined he would have to tell anyone else to refrain from using it as well, but he's since told Ben and now Klaus, too. While he suspects Klaus is mostly joking, he doesn't want to end up in that habit while meditating. Other places, however, he doesn't mind quite so much.

He sinks down beside Klaus and says, "I'll suggest you get yourself a notebook of some kind. A journal. The act of journaling is often meditative itself and I find many people like it better as a first step in order to ease themselves into the entire process. If you simply allow yourself to write, stream of consciousness style, it helps to centre your mind in the same way breathing and meditation can. Though that will be something you'll do on your own, not with me."

He smiles cheekily. "Think of it as homework."

"Ah, so professor then," Klaus replies with his own cheeky smile, before his expression settles into something a little more thoughtful. "That makes sense. I can do that. I used to scribble down my thoughts a lot when I was younger. A notebook will probably work a lot better than my bedroom walls."

He takes another sip of his coffee and bites his lip as he thinks, nodding a bit. Writing things down won't help the physical terror of the spirits coming for him, but he can write down how he feels after. It couldn't hurt.

"Maybe we can go get something to eat, and stop by the stationary store after," Klaus says hopefully, looking at Obi-Wan over the rim of his mug. "So, writing things down. What comes next?"

"Well, depending on whether or not you think you're ready, we could try a short session after we return," Obi-Wan suggests. "We can discuss mantras beforehand, as many people find them useful when it comes to bringing their minds to stillness, especially at first. It's not something you need to say aloud or even tell me what it is, just something calming that you can focus on."

He takes Klaus's free hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

"And I'll talk you through it at first," he continues. "For as many sessions as you feel you need and if you would rather I be still, I can do that, too. I will be here for whatever questions you have even in the middle of it all. The best thing about meditation is that it can be a deeply personal experience and what works for one may not work for another. We'll find what works best for you and tailor the teaching to that."