terriblymisguided | (no subject)

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If pressed, Klaus couldn't really say why he has been so resistant to learning true meditation. He does have his reasons, the biggest being that he does not want to be alone with his thoughts in such a way, but that's not a good enough reason. The spirits still haunt him at night, no matter what he does.

Mostly, he's just scared. Both of what will happen in his own head, and of failing miserably at the whole thing.

The more time he spends with Obi-Wan, the more intrigued he becomes with the idea. It obviously helps Obi-Wan, and that only becomes more clear after everything with Anakin regaining his memories. It's obviously a traumatic thing for Obi-Wan, and Klaus was worried for him the entire time he was out meditating in the woods. At first, Klaus had thought the idea was kind of crazy, but he didn't protest. Of course he didn't, because Obi-Wan knows himself.

When Obi-Wan came back, he seemed better. A lot better, actually. And then he had his body taken from him and replaced with an entirely new one, and he seemed okay with that, too. Klaus knows that it isn't that things don't bother Obi-Wan. It's that he knows how to handle these awful things when they come. He meditates on them, and always seems at peace afterward. Klaus wants to know if he might be able to achieve something similar, if he were go ahead and actually face his fears and try.

He thinks on it, but the decision is made for him after he wakes up screaming from another nightmare, struggling against ghostly hands around his throat. Vanya comes in and helps him calm down, and Klaus holds onto her so that he doesn't head straight for the stash of pills in his underwear drawer. He doesn't want to keep numbing himself forever, he realizes. He wants to learn how to handle it.

After his sister makes him have some breakfast, he kisses her head and leaves the house to head towards Obi-Wan's place, exhausted and trembling, but sure of himself. He wants to try. He has to try.

When he makes it to Obi-Wan's apartment, he knocks a few times before letting himself in with his key, unsurprised to find Obi-Wan sitting on his meditation cushions. It's that time of day, after all. He stays quiet, not wanting to interrupt, and goes to make himself some coffee. He'll need it for this conversation, and for whatever comes after.

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The question makes Klaus go quiet as he ponders the options. His first instinct is to say the apartment, but he's so comfortable there. It's all so familiar, and he wonders if it might be better to go somewhere new to start with. Less of a chance of him getting frustrated and trying to distract Obi-Wan with sex.

Not no chance, of course, even if they're out in the woods. With Klaus, there's always a slight chance of him trying to instigate sex wherever they happen to find themselves.

"The woods," he says after a long moment's deliberation. "I don't want to be interrupted, and being outside might help." He reaches down to take Obi-Wan's hand and smiles softly. "Plus, I'd like to see the spot you run off to when you have to go commune with nature."

"Yes, I think you might be slightly less likely to try and get my trousers undone if we're out where people can see us," Obi-Wan answers with an entirely straight face as they walk. The only indication he's teasing is the flick of his eyes toward Klaus before he looks straight once again, leading him toward road as he books a car on the app on his phone. They could walk, it isn't terribly far, but he would like to get started sooner rather than later.

Luckily, there is a car nearby and Obi-Wan points it out after his phone indicates where they need to go, then opens the door so Klaus can slide in. The driver looks at the location given, then in the rearview mirror, and seems to recognize Obi-Wan. He says nothing about dropping them off near the woods and simply drives.

"There are a few places I like," he says as the car carries them toward the woods. "All quite private, though sometimes there are people hiking or going for picnics. They tend to respect my space if I'm meditating, however, so hopefully no one will bother us too much today."

"Only slightly," Klaus replies in just as serious a tone, though he smirks a bit as he looks over to meet Obi-Wan's gaze. He wants to take this very seriously, but he knows himself. There's always a chance that he's going to try and stick his hand down Obi-Wan's pants. The odds of that are never zero.

When Obi orders a car, Klaus is a little surprised but he doesn't argue. It does show that Obi-Wan is eager to get started, and Klaus has to wonder how long he's been patiently waiting for Klaus to ask him for this very thing. He never pressured Klaus, never pushed the issue once, but simply waited for Klaus to come around. The realization makes Klaus let out a dreamy sigh, and he'd be surprised if there weren't cartoon hearts in his eyes as he got into the car next to Obi-Wan.

During the ride, Klaus rests his hand on Obi-Wan's thigh, not to be cheeky or possessive but simply because he'd like to always be touching Obi-Wan if he can. He listens as Obi-Wan speaks and then turns to look at him, glancing briefly towards the driver before responding. He's so walled up that he finds that he doesn't even really want to talk about the process of it in front of anyone else. Christ, he has issues.

"It seems like such a private thing. You don't feel-- I don't know, vulnerable being in that state where someone could just come upon you?" Klaus has seen Obi-Wan deep in meditation many times, and there are times when Klaus walks right by him and he doesn't seem to notice. But then Klaus lets out a brittle sort of laugh and shakes his head, turning to look out the window. "But I guess I put myself in a vulnerable state around strangers all the time. Just in a different way."

"Don't," he says softly, reaching for Klaus's chin, tucking two fingers under his jaw and turning his face back from the window. "Don't punish yourself for the past."

That's all he says on the matter, leaning forward to press a quick kiss to Klaus's mouth, as if punctuating the statement and ending the conversation with it. Such things are easier said than done, he is well aware of that, but that is why they're about to begin Klaus's journey with meditation. The work will get done with time and Obi-Wan sees no point in dwelling further on things that can no longer be changed. The present is the only guarantee they have.

"You're right, though," he continues. "And I wouldn't recommend solitary public meditation for those who don't have a connection to the Force or something similar. I can sense people when they're near, especially in a deep meditative state, because the Force changes. When you're practicing on your own, it would be safer to do so in the apartment or in your house or an area meant for such things. I've been told there are yoga studios that have meditation rooms and I would think that to be safe space as well."

Klaus rolls his eyes as Obi-Wan guides his chin back over towards him, but it's mostly at himself. His expression softens and he leans in for the kiss, nodding a bit and giving Obi-Wan's knee a grateful squeeze. It's so easy for Klaus to get down on himself, despite the aloof, carefree persona he projects out to nearly everyone he meets. He's grateful that Obi-Wan sees through it and encourages him. He's grateful for so many things when it comes to Obi-Wan.

"So, if I want to meditate in the forest, I need my hot Jedi chaperone with me. Got it," he says with a smile. "And I would definitely be down for some yoga."

The car comes to a stop in a semi-circle of asphalt that appears to be a parking lot for hiking trails, and Klaus shakes his head in fond amusement as he slides out of the car and looks around. It's a beautiful day and he's wearing his boots, so a little walk through the woods won't be so bad. Not with this particular company, anyway.

"Lead the way, sensei," Klaus says, smiling as he turns toward Obi-Wan. He's still nervous about this whole thing, but he knows that he's in good hands. The best he's ever been in, really.

"It isn't far," Obi-Wan promises with a smile over at Klaus, then finds the trail he likes and leads the way. The hike is easy enough, they're not climbing any rocks or walking through any dense patches of trees. At one point, Obi-Wan does leave the path, but the ground cover is easy to walk on and before too long they come through a bit of trees and find themselves in a quiet clearing with a large rock at one end. The sun comes through the trees, the branches overhead quite thin, and not far from here is a creek running through.

"Here," he says. "I quite like this place. It's quiet and people usually don't come by here."

Unless they're also looking for the clearing, but that's really only happened once or twice.

"How are you feeling?" he asks. "Ready for all this? I promise we'll take it as slow as you need and if at any point you need to stop or you have questions, I don't want you to feel like you can't say anything. Whatever comes into your mind, I'm more than happy to hear it."

The walk is less of a hike than Klaus imagined, even after leaving the trail worn into the ground, and Klaus follows along dutifully, taking care not to trip over anything. When they arrive at the clearing, Klaus looks around with a vaguely surprised expression, because he doesn't know what he was expecting, but it wasn't this.

"This place is beautiful," he says sincerely, planting his hands on his hips and letting the bag with his journals dangle from one wrist as he looks around. It's a little like something out of a fairytale, complete with dappled sunlight and a babbling brook. "I half expect woodland creatures to come out and start braiding my hair."

The fresh air is nice, and the sun isn't too bright, which his head appreciates. He hasn't had anything to drink since the day before, and there was a time where he would be out of his mind with how badly he wanted to scratch that itch. Now, he has a mild headache and yeah, he'd like a drink, but he doesn't feel like he'll die if he doesn't get one. That's progress.

"I'm feeling very sober," he says honestly, because he knows Obi-Wan will know what he really means by that. Without the haze of drugs or alcohol, everything is so much harder to handle. But that's why he's here now, because he doesn't want that haze to be the only thing that gets him by anymore.

"I'll tell you what I need," Klaus assures him, smiling softly over at him. Obi-Wan is being so supportive, so calm and caring, and sometimes Klaus doesn't know what to do with that kind of attention, but he's grateful for it all the same.

After handing Obi-Wan the bag from the bookstore, Klaus bends over to untie his boots and step out of them, stuffing his socks inside so he can wiggle his bare toes in the grass. After taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he looks over at Obi-Wan with a smile that slightly betrays the nerves that he's trying to hide. "If I get the hang of this, do I finally get to play with your lightsaber? That'd be good incentive, I think." And then, because he can't help but to make jokes when he's nervous, he continues. "That and blowjobs."

The question makes Obi-Wan laugh and he closes his eyes briefly, wonderfully amused, as Klaus can always do for him. He knows the jokes come from a place of anxiety, but that doesn't mean they're not still funny in their own right and as Obi-Wan sinks into a seated position and sets Klaus's bag aside, he smiles up at him.

"I'll certainly think about it," he teases, though if Klaus really wants to learn, Obi-Wan would be pleased to help him.

"Come and sit with me," he says. "Let's face one another and get comfortable first before we do anything else." This part, getting comfortable, he thinks it will be easier with Klaus than it is with most others. While Obi-Wan generally has little problem finding peace, he and Klaus know one another in a way he knows no other person in Darrow, and to reach out and touch him will be something done without hesitation if it becomes necessary.

Obi-Wan has high hopes for this, not only because of how close they are, but because Klaus wants it. It's clear he wants it. For Obi-Wan, that desire to help himself is by far the most important thing.

"About the lightsaber or the blowjobs?" Klaus asks with a bit of a smirk on his face. "Because you've never been very withholding with the latter."

Obi-Wan beckons him over and Klaus bites his lip before padding through the grass and stepping in front of him, hesitating for only a moment before gracefully sinking down and settling into a cross-legged position. He's close enough to Obi-Wan that their knees are almost touching, and that proximity makes him feel a little better, a little safer. If he gets too lost in his own head, Obi-Wan will be there to pull him out of it.

"Okay, I'm comfortable," Klaus tells him after he's tucked a few loose strands of hair behind his ears and tugged at a few curls to loosen his bun a bit. "Physically, at least. What's next?"

"A mantra, perhaps," he says, his voice having dropped slightly, becoming slow and smooth as he speaks. "You can select anything at all you like, anything that works for you. Here, I've heard people using since such as I am that I am or The world is quiet here. When we learn as younglings, we begin with the Jedi Code."

Obi-Wan breathes deep, then exhales, hoping Klaus with unconsciously match the rhythm of his breathing.

"Emotion, yet peace," he says, reciting the Code as he had learned it. "Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet the Force." Another long breath in, another long breath out. "I've always preferred passion, yet serenity. It feels calming to my mind, the idea that someone can be full of excitement and curiosity for the world and yet can still find serenity when it is needed."

"A mantra," Klaus repeats, though he wrinkles his nose at the first two. He almost smiles as he thinks back on his time with his cult, when he would feed them song lyrics like they were wise musings. He does regret how he went about the whole thing, but he isn't sure that he would have survived the 60s without those people. And maybe it's bullshit, but he'd like to think that he helped some of them, too. Even if it all went bad there at the end.

Obi-Wan keeps speaking and Klaus likes this better, tilting his head a little as he watches him recite the Jedi Code. Klaus likes the sound of it, because it reflects the balance that exists everywhere. Where there is pain, there is also happiness. Sometimes one may greatly overshadow the other, but they're both always there.

"Passion, yet serenity," Klaus repeats, feeling the words on his tongue as he meets Obi-Wan's gaze and takes a deep breath, trying to match his breathing to Obi-Wan's as he rests his hands on his knees. "I do like that one." Another breath. "Passion, yet serenity."

Obi-Wan smiles briefly and nods, then says, "Close your eyes. Breath deep and slow, following my breath if you like. When your mind wanders, which is will, gently bring it back. Don't chastise yourself, don't get frustrated, because all of it is natural. Simply bring your mind back to the mantra."

With that said, he closes his eyes, his hands on his knees, and slips into a slow, steady breath. At this moment, Obi-Wan is planning on keeping himself more aware, more present than he usually would, since he's meant to be guiding Klaus more than just meditating himself. Even so, it's relaxing to be here. The sun is warm, but not too hot, and he can hear the soft sound of the running water nearby.

He breathes deeply, focused on this moment, on everything he can feel and hear, everything around him that makes up the world and this time and space in it.

"Okay," Klaus breathes out, taking one more long look at Obi-Wan's handsome face, his golden-tipped lashes sweeping against his lightly freckled cheeks, and nods to himself before letting his own eyes fall shut. Whatever happens, he's safe here with Obi-Wan.

It won't be like before, with the mausoleum. If it becomes too much, he won't have to continue. Obi-Wan Kenobi is about as far away from Reginald Hargreeves as one could possibly get, in terms of kindness and understanding. Klaus will be fine.

He takes a deep breath and repeats the mantra in his head, doing his best to empty it of everything else. He tries to push away the need for a drink, his fear, everything. It works, for a few moments. Everything is dark and quiet, but then he hears a whisper of his name in an awful, slithering tone.

You think you can hide from us? Klaus's breath hitches and his fingertips dig into his knees. Klaus, we'll always find you.

"Fuck." Klaus's eyes snap open and he reaches up to press the heels of his eyes up under his brow bone, chest heaving as he lets out a ragged breath. "They're here."

Obi-Wan's eyes open as well and he reaches up to gently take Klaus's hands in his own, pulling them away from his eyes. "It's alright," he says softly. "We had to expect they would come. Just keep breathing with me. Slowly in, slowly out."

It's different here with Klaus than it is teaching younglings. Meditation is difficult enough to learn, especially when stillness doesn't come naturally to most people, but it's made more difficult still by the inclusion of these spirits that want to disrupt what Klaus is trying to achieve.

"They're just another form of energy," he says in the same soothing tone of voice. He places one of Klaus's hands on his chest so he can feel his ribs expanding and contracting with each breath. "And I'm here with you. They're not going to hurt you, but you need to be able to sit with them, even when they're being troublesome. Keep breathing with me."

A part of Klaus wants to stop, but that's the part of him that is always so ready to give up on something as soon as it gets a little hard. If he were to demand to put a stop to this, Obi-Wan would respect that, but Klaus worries that he might be a little disappointed, even though he claims that he won't. But it isn't just the fear of letting Obi-Wan down that makes Klaus wants to keep going. He wants to do it for himself.

Klaus grits his teeth and looks at his hand on Obi-Wan's chest, feeling each deep inhale and exhale and making himself match it. Slow in, slow out, over and over again.

Obi-Wan is still watching him, looking at him encouragingly, but Klaus's gaze drifts up over his shoulder to the woman standing behind him. She belongs to the voice he heard in his head, and he winces slightly at the bullet wound in her chest, spilling blood out into her neon pink micro dress. She looks like a junkie, bottomed out in a way even he had only reached a few times in his life.

"You think you get to just get better?" She asks, sneering at him with rotted teeth and sunken eyes, and Klaus swallows hard before closing his eyes again. "Look at me, Klaus!"

"You can't hurt me," he says quietly, shakily, because perhaps that's the mantra he needs right now. "You can't hurt me."

"Good," Obi-Wan says in that same soft tone. That Klaus has perhaps picked a different mantra, one that will work for this scenario, it makes Obi-Wan proud. It's clear he's trying, that he's dedicated himself to this, that he wants it to work.

Klaus looks at something behind him, then closes his eyes again. Obi-Wan breathes with him, inhaling and exhaling, keeping Klaus's hand pressed to his chest. "They can't hurt you. Whoever is here, let them go. Let them drift away. They're nothing more than energy, which is everywhere, Klaus. It surrounds us, this energy, and they're part of it, but they don't need to be here."

He breathes slowly, hand pressed to Klaus's.

"They can't hurt you," he says softly.

It's just one word, good, but Klaus clings to it. Never before has he received any sort of praise when trying to get a handle on his powers. Nothing he did was ever enough, he was always too weak, too scared, too much of a disappointment. He's so used to being berated that one single bit of positive reinforcement buoys him enough to take another deep breath.

"You can't hurt me," Klaus says again, wincing and pressing his fingertips into Obi-Wan's chest as the ghost starts to scream. It's a sharp, piercing sound that he can feel rattling around in his rib cage and he grits his teeth, reaching up to put his other hand over his ear as he begins to shake. "You can't hurt me."

"Klaus!" She screams it so loud that it seems to shake the trees, and Klaus's fingertips start to glow as he takes a deep breath and imagines himself pushing her away. "You can't do this!"

"You can't hurt me," he grits out, letting out a cry of his own as he shoves his power outward as best he can, feeling it snap outward like a dam exploding. Once it's done, Klaus's chest is heaving and he opens his eyes slowly, panting softly as he blinks against the sunlight to find themselves alone in the clearing once more. He sits there, stunned, fingertips still glowing slightly where they're pressed to Obi-Wan's chest.

Whoever is here with them must be quite strong indeed. Obi-Wan can sense their presence, the anger in it, the hurt, so much pain whirling around in this tumultuous sense of disconnect. They may only be energy, but energy counts for so much and Obi-Wan feels the dark side of the Force with the presence here, all the strong emotions that might lead someone to do something terrible.

He doesn't have the same power Klaus does. He can't communicate with whoever is here, but he closes his eyes regardless. Searching for the presence in the Force, he sends calm in its direction, he sends love and acceptance and peace, and it may have no difference at all in the situation, but it's everything he can do.

"Breathe," he encourages, eyes still closed. Something has changed, the presence is gone, and he can hear Klaus's shaking breath. "Slowly, Klaus. In and out. Centre yourself again."

A part of Klaus wants to stop, because he's trembling and tired and this is all so much, but instead he listens to Obi-Wan and takes a deep breath, letting it out shaky and slow and doing it again. He feels proud himself, which is rare. He thinks Obi-Wan might proud of him too, and that's enough for him to keep going.

"Serenity," he breathes out, keeping his eyes closed as he tries to clear his mind. It's a hard thing to do, and he moves his hand from Obi-Wan's chest to rest it over Obi's hand on his knee instead, wanting to keep that physical connection for now. He focuses on Obi-Wan's breathing and makes sure that his own matches, and then focuses on the trickling of the nearby stream, concentrating on it until it's all that he can hear.

And then it's quiet in his head in a way that's wholly unfamiliar to him, unreasonably quiet, and it reminds him of those last few seconds before he falls asleep. Instead of calming him, he ends up bracing himself, going tense as he waits for something else to intrude. Now he's thinking about it, he can hear the whir of helicopter blades and a far off scream, so he opens his eyes with a frustrated huff, tipping his head back to look up at the trees.

"How do I learn to trust the quiet?" Klaus says after a moment, swallowing hard and trying not to berate himself. "I've spent my whole life thinking that silence was dangerous. I don't know how to stop that and relax into it. I'm just waiting for something else to come."

"You practice," Obi-Wan says as he also opens his eyes. "You believe the silence to be dangerous because that's what practice and experience has taught you. Of course it's difficult to trust that it would be anything else. The only way to unlearn something of that nature, the trauma associated with it, is to practice the rest."

He smiles gently. "It won't come overnight. But you did exceptionally well already. I would only encourage you not to grow frustrated with yourself. Becoming distracted by our thoughts, by external distractions, by sounds or sensations, it's all human nature. You're not doing anything wrong with this happens."

Lifting his hand, Obi-Wan touches his temple. "We can't turn this off. We can only teach it with time, practice, and with empathy, to trust itself."

Klaus hangs on Obi-Wan's every word, and he finds himself unexpectedly tearing up as he wonders where he might be if he been given even a fraction of this encouragement and support when he was a child. Maybe he wouldn't have wasted so much of his life. Maybe he wouldn't have almost killed himself over and over just trying to quiet his own mind.

A tear rolls down his cheek and he reaches up to quickly wipe it away, blowing out a breath as he rolls his eyes upward and tips his head back to look up at the sky. Sniffling a bit, he wipes his nose and then looks at Obi-Wan again, nodding a bit and giving him a watery smile.

"Thank you, Obi," he says quietly, taking another deep breath. "For helping me."

"Of course, my darling," Obi-Wan answers, reaching with both hands to cup either side of Klaus's face. He leans in to kiss him, lingering for a long moment, chaste but sincere. He can taste the salt of Klaus's tears, but makes no effort to wipe them away. The emotion is true and real and Klaus needs to sit with them rather than try and chase them away, this is as much a part of meditation as all the rest.

"Now," he says when he pulls back. "How do you feel about writing down what you've experienced? We can sit here for as long as you like, but I think it might be good to record some of what you're feeling now. The good and the bad. There needn't be any structure to it, you can simply write whatever you feel, whatever comes out of you."

Obi-Wan has nothing to write in, but he can meditate more, to give Klaus the space and the privacy for this.

Edited 2021-04-27 19:54 (UTC)

For so long, Klaus would roll his eyes at couples calling each other pet names, but that was before he knew what it was like to be called darling by Obi-Wan Kenobi. Hearing it makes him shiver and feel warm all over at the same time, and he practically melts into the kiss, letting Obi-Wan's calm, steady affection wash over him.

When Obi-Wan pulls away, Klaus is relieved that he doesn't suggest that they continue. He feels a little drained after that burst of power, and he wants to take a break. He does have a lot of thoughts, and he nods before leaning forward to give Obi-Wan another kiss.

"Yeah, I can do that." Klaus pulls himself to his feet and stretches before picking his bag, tousling Obi-Wan's hair with his other hand as he passes behind him. He finds a soft spot in the grass nearby and stretches out on his belly, smiling softly over at Obi-Wan before opening the journal and reaching for a purple pen, tugging the cap off with his teeth and twirling the pen around so he can touch it to the paper.

He goes from wondering what he's even going to write to scribbling across the page, just scrawling out whatever comes to mind, every question and fear, and even about the pride he feels buried underneath it all.

Klaus is so willing to try and Obi-Wan's smile blooms as Klaus settles himself in the grass. For a moment he just watches, seeing the way Klaus falls into the writing, and something warm grows inside Obi-Wan for a moment before he closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing.

It's wonderfully peaceful. Whatever presence had been there earlier is long gone, due to what Klaus had done. It doesn't take much for Obi-Wan to slip into a relatively deep meditative state. He reflects on some things when his mind goes calm, thinking of Anakin, of how they're coming back from where they've been.

Mostly, though, he allows himself to think of nothing at all. To just breathe. To listen to the scratch of Klaus's pen on paper and to use that sound as his own personal mantra for the moment.

Klaus isn't sure how much time passes as he scrawls out his thoughts, but a few glances over at Obi-Wan shows that he's meditating pretty deeply, so Klaus doesn't feel like they're in a rush. Eventually he stops, mostly because his hand is cramping up, and he sits up as he looks at the journal with a bit of wonder.

When Obi-Wan suggested the exercise, Klaus had no idea what he was going to write. He thought that maybe he'd have to really think about it, but once he touched the pen to paper it just started flowing out of him. There is probably very little coherency to any of it, but that's okay. The point was to get it all out, not to write the next great novel.

After capping his pen and shaking out his hand, he moves over to Obi-Wan on his knees, settling in behind him and slowly wrapping his arms around him from behind. He moves slowly as not to startle him, even if he's sure that Obi-Wan is well aware of his presence. He isn't even really trying to draw Obi-Wan out of it if he isn't ready. He just wants to hold onto him, arms crossed over his belly as he hooks his chin over Obi-Wan's shoulder, closing his eyes as he matches his breathing to Obi-Wan's.

It's an incredibly peaceful moment, even with as quiet as it is. He feels more settled than he has in a long time and he's happy to sit here for as long as Obi-Wan would like, breathing in and out in the dappled sunlight.